Damn, that was a horrendous speech. I still taste vomit. I don't really know where to begin, but I have a hard time finding sincerity coming from a robot. First off, the opening resembled a bad SNL skit-blue curtain, the tops of peoples heads, small podium, muffled microphone bumps-only Tiger forgot to put his makeup on and looked like his past 45 therapy sessions really wore him out.
Tiger could have handled this in a lot of ways, and yes, it is one of the worst scandals the world has ever seen, but I bet he could have found a better way than to find 15 people with bowties and boring faces and cram them into a high school speech classroom.
Kudos:
Way to apologize to your sponsors before the families of the children whose idolizations you ruined.
Way to use the excuse "I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them." Hack Hack spit, vomit. This was a bad move. "Um I was just pretty horny and stuff." Should of probably just went with that.
Some reporters said that it came from the heart. Um, I'm sorry, pretty sure he was just reading from the "Cheaters Confessions for Dummies" book-$19.99 on Amazon.
Listen, most people in the world of sports know that Tiger is quiet, reserved, not great on camera, apparently bad public speaker. But damn, he made George Bush look like Barack Obama(well that's a bit of an exxageration, ok not even close). But if I...talked like this...for 15..minutes straight...looking directly...into...the camera...pause...awkward point to pause...pause...I would...feel...a little...creeped out too...I'm sorry.
The entire speech, I kept grabbing my arm to unbunch the long sleeve shirt inside my sweatshirt it was so uncomfortable, but I realized that I was wearing a v-neck short sleeve-$19.99 on Amazon.
I kept waiting for the Duracells to fall out of his back at some point. After thinking about some of his remarks, "selfish, I'm sorry, disappointment, I'm sorry, irresponsible and foolish, I'm sorry 27 other times" I realized my favorite part was probably this:
"Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that."
Speculate? Fabricate? Yes, why would we, I have no idea where that would come from...let me digress: You crash into fire hydrant, people find you unconsciuos, wife with golf club, broken back window of vehicle, no shoes, 2:30 am, wife finding out about affairs, scandal, cover-up, disappearing for 10 weeks, rehab, wife with golf club, you uncouscious...Sorry bud, what are we supposed to think? You won't say a word. In fact, I think the last thing you said on camera was "Please people, not during my backswing." Classy, great for the sport.
Hold on for 3 minutes...............................................................................................................
Ok, back, had to go poop in the fridge and eat an entire wheel of cheese.
Tiger, don't apopolize to me. You don't need to, you didn't do anything to me, so don't put yourelf on some pedestal and feel like you owe the entire world an apology. And if you do, it's not a state of the union address. We don't need to stop our lives and hear you embarrass yourself even further. I needed a fucking translator for some of it. Just say sorry, tell us when you will be smashing 400 yard drives again, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Wait for it, wait for it, yeah! There it is-oh, nope never mind, thought it was a tear, nope just the lighting.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Cougar All-Stars
As previously mentioned, here is the unveiling of my rendition of the 2010 Demi Moore All Stars...
My Batting Order for Sexiest Superstars over 40-The Cougar All Stars. Qualifications: Over 40, Female, Alive(ish).
Leadoff: Jennifer Aniston-Unselfish, just gets the ball in play, and probably a lit stick of dynamite on the basepath. Her tabloid frequencies and drama are only good PR.
2-Hole: Salma Hayek-Fiesty and aggressive, but willing to advance the runner and give up her stats for the sake of a victory.
3: Halle Berry-Because, she's Halle Berry
4: Julia Roberts-A knockout consistent slugger and my perennial MVP. Great teammate and good with the media. Home run hitter with looks and very above average acting. She is a proven winner and our most decorated player. Stats haven't slid with age-Our Wade Boggs circa 1983.
5: Demi Moore-Leads the team in RBI's and bruises. Leads by example and just scares the shit out of opposing pitchers. Proceed with caution, may need to be tested for PEDs.
6: Ashley Judd-Great for the clubhouse, keeps things light and is a real fan of the game. Underrated tatas.
7: Michelle Pfeiffer-Woof. If it's the bottom of the ninth and you're down a run with a man on 2nd, there isn't another person I would want coming up for us than Michelle Pfeiffer. Can you say walk off!
8: Sandra Bullock-The Catcher's spot-The Team Leader and Captain. Sacrificial and admired but down to earth and just one of the gang. Making a career comeback after years of being the best player in sub-par movies.
9: Tough Call between Marisa Tomei and Teri Hatcher. I'll go with Tomei based on resume and the diversity card.
Starting Pitcher: Diane Lane-Crafty, curvy, never flustered, the cougar of cougars. This was a no-brainer.
Set-up reliever: Maria Bello-Can throw one inning or three, has the highest "nude scene per movie" ratio of any decent actress.
Reliever-Cindy Crawford: Ziiiiiiing. Still smokin fastballs at 100mph+ every time out.
The Skipper-Heather Locklear, with base coaches Teri Hatcher and Monica Bellucci.
My Batting Order for Sexiest Superstars over 40-The Cougar All Stars. Qualifications: Over 40, Female, Alive(ish).
Leadoff: Jennifer Aniston-Unselfish, just gets the ball in play, and probably a lit stick of dynamite on the basepath. Her tabloid frequencies and drama are only good PR.
2-Hole: Salma Hayek-Fiesty and aggressive, but willing to advance the runner and give up her stats for the sake of a victory.
3: Halle Berry-Because, she's Halle Berry
4: Julia Roberts-A knockout consistent slugger and my perennial MVP. Great teammate and good with the media. Home run hitter with looks and very above average acting. She is a proven winner and our most decorated player. Stats haven't slid with age-Our Wade Boggs circa 1983.
5: Demi Moore-Leads the team in RBI's and bruises. Leads by example and just scares the shit out of opposing pitchers. Proceed with caution, may need to be tested for PEDs.
6: Ashley Judd-Great for the clubhouse, keeps things light and is a real fan of the game. Underrated tatas.
7: Michelle Pfeiffer-Woof. If it's the bottom of the ninth and you're down a run with a man on 2nd, there isn't another person I would want coming up for us than Michelle Pfeiffer. Can you say walk off!
8: Sandra Bullock-The Catcher's spot-The Team Leader and Captain. Sacrificial and admired but down to earth and just one of the gang. Making a career comeback after years of being the best player in sub-par movies.
9: Tough Call between Marisa Tomei and Teri Hatcher. I'll go with Tomei based on resume and the diversity card.
Starting Pitcher: Diane Lane-Crafty, curvy, never flustered, the cougar of cougars. This was a no-brainer.
Set-up reliever: Maria Bello-Can throw one inning or three, has the highest "nude scene per movie" ratio of any decent actress.
Reliever-Cindy Crawford: Ziiiiiiing. Still smokin fastballs at 100mph+ every time out.
The Skipper-Heather Locklear, with base coaches Teri Hatcher and Monica Bellucci.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Olympics: Please add "Swimming and Stab a Guy"
Team USA fielded 216 Olympians. How many did NBC choose to show us in the Opening Ceremonies? Pretty much just Shaun White's teeth. Guess we couldn't get enough Flying Tomato over the last 2 weeks of the X(tasy) Games. I sacrificed my third margarita so I could go somewhere to watch the ceremonies with some volume and get my yearly fill of Bob Costas. I need more Bob Costas in my life.
So, thus far, here are my thoughts, suggestions, alterations, and complaints about the 2010 Olympics, eh? (I will try to throw in subtle Canadian inuendos in wherever possible)
The Opening Ceremonies were about as fresh as Alanis Morissette's latest album(2005). Soo-ree, lame. And the Costas monotone didn't exactly spice it up.
-What isn't a sport anymore? The games are so Americanized so that we can boost our medal count, people don't need talent, athleticism or training to compete anymore. Curling? Seriously. Why isn't darts an olympic sport, or is it? To me the Olympics remind me of when we used be frat kids and invent games while plunging through 6 kegs in one night. Unfortunately these ideas really have become olympic sports...i.e the biathalon(more on this in a minute), curling, archery, and depending on what frat you were in-luge.
The Biathalon: Skiing and guns. Wait, isn't skiing what you do with your 5 and 6 year olds and drink hot chocolate? Now we add a loaded weapon? Like what's next, swimming and stab a guy? I like it. We get OJ. Also, the biatholon should involve live animals, not stationary targets. "And the Gold Medal goes to Mikel Scovenlivenhosen of Finland, he bagged 3 possums, 1/2 a squirrel and a small moose, with a time of 1:23:09!"
Competitions that should be in the Olympics:
"Benders with Bode."
"Pronunciation of your competitors names"
Again, "Swimming and stab a guy"
"Facial expressions during the judges scoring"
Anything Ethopia is good at
"Lumberjacking"
Fact: did you know the last time before 2002 Canada won the Gold medal in Hockey was in 1952. So, when all we associate Canada with is Hockey, this just adds to how egotistical and ignorant Americans are. Don't talk about Hockey with Canadians. Perhaps because there are more "hot climate" cities in the US that have a hockey team than Canada does, is reason enough to not mention that we are stealing the only thing they ever laid claim to. Tampa Bay, Atlanta, Phoenix, Nashville, Florida, Carolina, San Jose, Los Angeles, Dallas, Anaheim-(10) to Vancouver, Toronto, Ottowa, Calgary, Montreal, Edmonton(6). I'm sorry for wasting the last 13 seconds of your life with this.
The Canadian National Anthem Fucking Rules
Man, those Steambaoatians are priddy good and whatnot, eh?
So, thus far, here are my thoughts, suggestions, alterations, and complaints about the 2010 Olympics, eh? (I will try to throw in subtle Canadian inuendos in wherever possible)
The Opening Ceremonies were about as fresh as Alanis Morissette's latest album(2005). Soo-ree, lame. And the Costas monotone didn't exactly spice it up.
-What isn't a sport anymore? The games are so Americanized so that we can boost our medal count, people don't need talent, athleticism or training to compete anymore. Curling? Seriously. Why isn't darts an olympic sport, or is it? To me the Olympics remind me of when we used be frat kids and invent games while plunging through 6 kegs in one night. Unfortunately these ideas really have become olympic sports...i.e the biathalon(more on this in a minute), curling, archery, and depending on what frat you were in-luge.
The Biathalon: Skiing and guns. Wait, isn't skiing what you do with your 5 and 6 year olds and drink hot chocolate? Now we add a loaded weapon? Like what's next, swimming and stab a guy? I like it. We get OJ. Also, the biatholon should involve live animals, not stationary targets. "And the Gold Medal goes to Mikel Scovenlivenhosen of Finland, he bagged 3 possums, 1/2 a squirrel and a small moose, with a time of 1:23:09!"
Competitions that should be in the Olympics:
"Benders with Bode."
"Pronunciation of your competitors names"
Again, "Swimming and stab a guy"
"Facial expressions during the judges scoring"
Anything Ethopia is good at
"Lumberjacking"
Fact: did you know the last time before 2002 Canada won the Gold medal in Hockey was in 1952. So, when all we associate Canada with is Hockey, this just adds to how egotistical and ignorant Americans are. Don't talk about Hockey with Canadians. Perhaps because there are more "hot climate" cities in the US that have a hockey team than Canada does, is reason enough to not mention that we are stealing the only thing they ever laid claim to. Tampa Bay, Atlanta, Phoenix, Nashville, Florida, Carolina, San Jose, Los Angeles, Dallas, Anaheim-(10) to Vancouver, Toronto, Ottowa, Calgary, Montreal, Edmonton(6). I'm sorry for wasting the last 13 seconds of your life with this.
The Canadian National Anthem Fucking Rules
Man, those Steambaoatians are priddy good and whatnot, eh?
Friday, February 5, 2010
Brad Pitt...Gotta Love Him
The smartest adulterer ever? Brad Pitt. He upgraded from a workaholic actress who didn't want kids to the hottest/craziest/sexiest woman alive who doubles as a fetus machine … and with no real career repercussions! In fact, nothing Brad Pitt does ever seems to come back and haunt him. Not even his latest beard, when he was a few rubber bands and a ponytail away from looking like Captain Lou Albano. Everything bounces off that dude. Every guy hates him because they can't be him, but in the end, just think he's a pretty cool dude that is in good movies, is a decent to above average actor, not cocky, never talks to press really, just cool. I can't think of anybody else like this. Who can you think of? I am interested.
To all those interested, and to be continued: come up with a line up 1-9 of your batting order for the "Demi Moore All Stars" --Sexiest Superstar Women over 40. Or for the females: "George Clooney? All Stars" Obviously keep in mind who your leadoff hitter would be with a little extra emphasis on your 3-4-5 hitters. Please give a little justification for why they are where they are. It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great. Love to hear what you idiots have to say.
To all those interested, and to be continued: come up with a line up 1-9 of your batting order for the "Demi Moore All Stars" --Sexiest Superstar Women over 40. Or for the females: "George Clooney? All Stars" Obviously keep in mind who your leadoff hitter would be with a little extra emphasis on your 3-4-5 hitters. Please give a little justification for why they are where they are. It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great. Love to hear what you idiots have to say.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
If live gives you lemons...
If life gives you lemons, keep 'em, cuz hey, free lemons ya know.
I don't wanna grow up.
I don't wanna grow up.
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