Olympics: Please add "Swimming and Stab a Guy"

Team USA fielded 216 Olympians. How many did NBC choose to show us in the Opening Ceremonies? Pretty much just Shaun White's teeth. Guess we couldn't get enough Flying Tomato over the last 2 weeks of the X(tasy) Games. I sacrificed my third margarita so I could go somewhere to watch the ceremonies with some volume and get my yearly fill of Bob Costas. I need more Bob Costas in my life.

So, thus far, here are my thoughts, suggestions, alterations, and complaints about the 2010 Olympics, eh? (I will try to throw in subtle Canadian inuendos in wherever possible)

The Opening Ceremonies were about as fresh as Alanis Morissette's latest album(2005). Soo-ree, lame. And the Costas monotone didn't exactly spice it up.

-What isn't a sport anymore? The games are so Americanized so that we can boost our medal count, people don't need talent, athleticism or training to compete anymore. Curling? Seriously. Why isn't darts an olympic sport, or is it? To me the Olympics remind me of when we used be frat kids and invent games while plunging through 6 kegs in one night. Unfortunately these ideas really have become olympic sports...i.e the biathalon(more on this in a minute), curling, archery, and depending on what frat you were in-luge.

The Biathalon: Skiing and guns. Wait, isn't skiing what you do with your 5 and 6 year olds and drink hot chocolate? Now we add a loaded weapon? Like what's next, swimming and stab a guy? I like it. We get OJ. Also, the biatholon should involve live animals, not stationary targets. "And the Gold Medal goes to Mikel Scovenlivenhosen of Finland, he bagged 3 possums, 1/2 a squirrel and a small moose, with a time of 1:23:09!"

Competitions that should be in the Olympics:

"Benders with Bode."

"Pronunciation of your competitors names"

Again, "Swimming and stab a guy"

"Facial expressions during the judges scoring"

Anything Ethopia is good at

"Lumberjacking"


Fact: did you know the last time before 2002 Canada won the Gold medal in Hockey was in 1952. So, when all we associate Canada with is Hockey, this just adds to how egotistical and ignorant Americans are. Don't talk about Hockey with Canadians. Perhaps because there are more "hot climate" cities in the US that have a hockey team than Canada does, is reason enough to not mention that we are stealing the only thing they ever laid claim to. Tampa Bay, Atlanta, Phoenix, Nashville, Florida, Carolina, San Jose, Los Angeles, Dallas, Anaheim-(10) to Vancouver, Toronto, Ottowa, Calgary, Montreal, Edmonton(6). I'm sorry for wasting the last 13 seconds of your life with this.

The Canadian National Anthem Fucking Rules

Man, those Steambaoatians are priddy good and whatnot, eh?