Damn, that was a horrendous speech. I still taste vomit. I don't really know where to begin, but I have a hard time finding sincerity coming from a robot. First off, the opening resembled a bad SNL skit-blue curtain, the tops of peoples heads, small podium, muffled microphone bumps-only Tiger forgot to put his makeup on and looked like his past 45 therapy sessions really wore him out.
Tiger could have handled this in a lot of ways, and yes, it is one of the worst scandals the world has ever seen, but I bet he could have found a better way than to find 15 people with bowties and boring faces and cram them into a high school speech classroom.
Kudos:
Way to apologize to your sponsors before the families of the children whose idolizations you ruined.
Way to use the excuse "I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them." Hack Hack spit, vomit. This was a bad move. "Um I was just pretty horny and stuff." Should of probably just went with that.
Some reporters said that it came from the heart. Um, I'm sorry, pretty sure he was just reading from the "Cheaters Confessions for Dummies" book-$19.99 on Amazon.
Listen, most people in the world of sports know that Tiger is quiet, reserved, not great on camera, apparently bad public speaker. But damn, he made George Bush look like Barack Obama(well that's a bit of an exxageration, ok not even close). But if I...talked like this...for 15..minutes straight...looking directly...into...the camera...pause...awkward point to pause...pause...I would...feel...a little...creeped out too...I'm sorry.
The entire speech, I kept grabbing my arm to unbunch the long sleeve shirt inside my sweatshirt it was so uncomfortable, but I realized that I was wearing a v-neck short sleeve-$19.99 on Amazon.
I kept waiting for the Duracells to fall out of his back at some point. After thinking about some of his remarks, "selfish, I'm sorry, disappointment, I'm sorry, irresponsible and foolish, I'm sorry 27 other times" I realized my favorite part was probably this:
"Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that."
Speculate? Fabricate? Yes, why would we, I have no idea where that would come from...let me digress: You crash into fire hydrant, people find you unconsciuos, wife with golf club, broken back window of vehicle, no shoes, 2:30 am, wife finding out about affairs, scandal, cover-up, disappearing for 10 weeks, rehab, wife with golf club, you uncouscious...Sorry bud, what are we supposed to think? You won't say a word. In fact, I think the last thing you said on camera was "Please people, not during my backswing." Classy, great for the sport.
Hold on for 3 minutes...............................................................................................................
Ok, back, had to go poop in the fridge and eat an entire wheel of cheese.
Tiger, don't apopolize to me. You don't need to, you didn't do anything to me, so don't put yourelf on some pedestal and feel like you owe the entire world an apology. And if you do, it's not a state of the union address. We don't need to stop our lives and hear you embarrass yourself even further. I needed a fucking translator for some of it. Just say sorry, tell us when you will be smashing 400 yard drives again, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Wait for it, wait for it, yeah! There it is-oh, nope never mind, thought it was a tear, nope just the lighting.
watched the first 15 seconds, then turned it off, too awkward. no thanks.
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