Monday, March 23, 2015
Monday, October 6, 2014
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Kawowie this is sweet
http://imaginate.redbull.com/videos/riding_film
I could only post the link. Check it out. Music is swell too.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Steamboat Blotter-never to be outdone!
The Record for Friday, April 19, 2013
I draw your attention to 9:07, 10:17, and the kicker at 10:05. Seriously what the fuck people??
Police, fire and ambulance calls — some minor calls omitted
Friday, April 19
12:19 a.m. Steamboat Springs Police Department officers were called to a report of an ongoing problem with barking dogs in the 400 block of Eaglepointe Court.
3:15 a.m. Police gave someone a courtesy transport to Whistler Road from the 600 block of Lincoln Avenue.
8:38 a.m. Police were called to a report of a vehicle that had stopped abruptly then began following the caller. Everything was fine.
9:07 a.m. Steamboat Spring Fire Rescue firefighters, mental health services and Routt County Sheriff’s Office deputies were called to the 27000 block of Brandon Circle for a report of a woman who had crossed U.S. Highway 40 and taken off her clothes near a school because she wanted to swim in a pond. She was transported to Yampa Valley Medical Center.
10:10 a.m. Someone found a snowboard at Steamboat Ski Area that had been reported stolen the day before. The snowboard was returned to its owner.
10:17 a.m. A woman called police to inform them of an incident that had occurred in the first block Seventh Street around Easter. She told police that she was talking with a group of Russians at a bar and one of them told her, “You have to fight for what you believe in.” She was concerned they could have been speaking about the events in Boston this week. Police determined there was no connection.
12:45 p.m. Police were called to a report of an employee allegedly embezzling funds from a business in the in the 2000 block of Lincoln Avenue.
1:05 p.m. Police were called to a report of a Florida driver’s license found on Walton Pond Circle.
1:09 p.m. Police were called to a report of a hot tub cover that had been vandalized while the home’s owner was out of town. A sergeant advised that the suspect possibly was a bear.
1:54 p.m. A person called police to report he or she had lost pieces of camera equipment somewhere in Steamboat Springs.
2:42 p.m. A man called police to report that someone had stolen his keys in the 700 block of Yampa Street and that he had surveillance video that the person used them to get into his car. It’s unknown if anything was stolen.
3:17 p.m. Steamboat Springs firefighters were called to a report of a person having a seizure in the 1100 block of Lincoln Avenue.
3:20 p.m. Police were called to a report of a car that had slid down a hill when its owner was trying to move it in the 1700 block of River Queen Lane.
10:05 p.m. Police received a call from a woman who said her juvenile granddaughter was at the ski area last week and ran into a person who was selling bags of what she thought were portobello mushrooms dipped in chocolate for $30. Police said the granddaughter further informed her grandmother that giraffes were chasing her down the hill after she ate the mushrooms.
I draw your attention to 9:07, 10:17, and the kicker at 10:05. Seriously what the fuck people??
Police, fire and ambulance calls — some minor calls omitted
Friday, April 19
12:19 a.m. Steamboat Springs Police Department officers were called to a report of an ongoing problem with barking dogs in the 400 block of Eaglepointe Court.
3:15 a.m. Police gave someone a courtesy transport to Whistler Road from the 600 block of Lincoln Avenue.
8:38 a.m. Police were called to a report of a vehicle that had stopped abruptly then began following the caller. Everything was fine.
9:07 a.m. Steamboat Spring Fire Rescue firefighters, mental health services and Routt County Sheriff’s Office deputies were called to the 27000 block of Brandon Circle for a report of a woman who had crossed U.S. Highway 40 and taken off her clothes near a school because she wanted to swim in a pond. She was transported to Yampa Valley Medical Center.
10:10 a.m. Someone found a snowboard at Steamboat Ski Area that had been reported stolen the day before. The snowboard was returned to its owner.
10:17 a.m. A woman called police to inform them of an incident that had occurred in the first block Seventh Street around Easter. She told police that she was talking with a group of Russians at a bar and one of them told her, “You have to fight for what you believe in.” She was concerned they could have been speaking about the events in Boston this week. Police determined there was no connection.
12:45 p.m. Police were called to a report of an employee allegedly embezzling funds from a business in the in the 2000 block of Lincoln Avenue.
1:05 p.m. Police were called to a report of a Florida driver’s license found on Walton Pond Circle.
1:09 p.m. Police were called to a report of a hot tub cover that had been vandalized while the home’s owner was out of town. A sergeant advised that the suspect possibly was a bear.
1:54 p.m. A person called police to report he or she had lost pieces of camera equipment somewhere in Steamboat Springs.
2:42 p.m. A man called police to report that someone had stolen his keys in the 700 block of Yampa Street and that he had surveillance video that the person used them to get into his car. It’s unknown if anything was stolen.
3:17 p.m. Steamboat Springs firefighters were called to a report of a person having a seizure in the 1100 block of Lincoln Avenue.
3:20 p.m. Police were called to a report of a car that had slid down a hill when its owner was trying to move it in the 1700 block of River Queen Lane.
10:05 p.m. Police received a call from a woman who said her juvenile granddaughter was at the ski area last week and ran into a person who was selling bags of what she thought were portobello mushrooms dipped in chocolate for $30. Police said the granddaughter further informed her grandmother that giraffes were chasing her down the hill after she ate the mushrooms.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
Just want to document this-The Clymb
I put my pants on just like the rest of you one leg at a time, except once my pants are on, I make gold records.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Friday, December 14, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
Yes Youngblood Hawke! Former Roomie
Doing good, my former Boulder roomies kickin ass in LA. Video is kinda creepy.
Also, the Rolling Stone Feature:
http://www.rollingstone.com/music/videos/youngblood-hawke-dive-below-the-surface-in-we-come-running-premiere-20121011
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Facebook Gospel, Jesus!
I need to be able to look back at this in 20 years, and remember that it was 20 years outdated then.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
These are real people-Craigslist
Bus boyfriend..I want to smell you again
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2010-10-02, 1:12PM PDT
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was months ago. April, maybe May. We only rode the bus together three times, only two times sitting together. The second I saw you, I smiled brightly, because you looked so nice. You were getting on the number 11 at the Lake Washington bus stop, at 9:35 on a Wednesday, heading downtown. You were one of the few people getting on the bus who had not immediately put out a cigarette or a crack pipe. You looked like the average super-casual tech worker or student. You saw me smiling at you, and your face sort of lit up.
You had a soul-patch-triangle-hairy-thing under your bottom lip, which I will normally not tolerate on white men, but you made it work. You wore drab grayish-blue clothes that were slightly baggy. I had chin-length brown hair and cute sunglasses. I was holding a cup of coffee that, true to Starbucks tradition, kept spouting forth like a caffeinated geyser from the tiny sippy hole in the top, scalding my hands as I attempted in vain to dry off with a flimsy recycled paper napkin.
You sat next to me. There was genuine sexual tension, which is rare in Seattle, and even rarer on the bus. You smelled REALLY, REALLY good. I didn't make eye contact, although I took off my sunglasses so that you wouldn't think I looked like a spy. I might have turned down my Shuffle so you wouldn't know that I was listening to Mr. Mister. I didn't make conversation. I just smelled you the whole way downtown.
What was that glorious smell? It wasn't colonge. I have bought colonge for men before, and they don't make men's cologne that smells like this. Was it soap? Laundry detergent? A particularly wonderful brand of fabric softener and/or dryer sheet? I have searched in vain for the scent since meeting you. I want to douse the rest of the bus riders with it. Hell, I'd spray it all over my Shih Tzu if I could distill it. It was sweet, soft, but not girly. It was clean but not chlorine-y.
The next Wednesday, you got on the bus, and you sat next to me. Deliberately. There were dozens of empty seats on the bus, but you chose to sit down next to me. I blushed. You blushed. You smelled even better. You took out a book and pretended to read it. That book everyone is reading, The Kite Flyer or the Flying Kite or something by someone with an Iranian/Afghani/Middle Eastern name. Khaled. Ahmed. Whatever. I nervously asked you about the book. I think I made a really stupid comment about how I can't read on the bus because I get car sick. This must have turned you on. You tried to explain the plot of the book, and you spoke very slowly and not particularly lucidly, in direct contrast to my high-pitched but enunciated prattling.
It was clear, probably to both of us, but certainly to me, that we were not romantically suited for each other. Nor was there any intellectual chemistry. It was clear as crystal. I had at the time, and still have to this day, a boyfriend that I really love. Chances are, you have a girlfriend who rocks your world. I didn't want to do anything to mess that up.
I actually went home and told my boyfriend about you. I called you my Bus Boyfriend. I normally don't tell my boyfriend about random men who want to hit on me but who, true to the Seattle way of life, don't bother. But I told him about you because I wanted him to be aware that other, completely random men occasionally want to be physically close to me, because this is something that even jealous boyfriends are often prone to forgetting. You probably know, Bus Boyfriend, what it's like when you're with a girl for a couple years. If you know she's faithful, you start thinking, "Hey, I'm the only one who has access to this poon..." Then you start thinking, "Hey, no one else really thinks about this woman but me."
My boyfriend took notice when I told him about you; he felt the slight threat that was implicit in our public transportation liaisons, as incredibly platonic as they may have been. He fucked me really hard for a couple of weeks, realizing that he was damn fortunate to have access to this poon.
The last Wednesday I saw you, I noticed you too late. It was a bad morning for me, Bus Boyfriend. I arrived at the bus stop before having that necessary first cup of coffee. The weather was foggy. So was my brain. You got on the bus, and chances are you looked to see if our eyes would meet, because I felt a pair of eyes burning a whole in the side of my face. By the time I was jolted out of my reverie by your smell wafting by, you had passed by and had seated yourself farther back.
For one entire stop I contemplated getting up and sitting next to you. Then a gigantic man with an apparent allergy to soap wedged me in against the window, and it was all I could do to keep from straining my neck while looking back at you and hoping that you would at least get up and stand behind me, so I could smell something besides the 300-pound armpit pushing up against my cheek.
Then, after that, nothing. I never saw you on the bus again. I never got to inhale your pleasant scent again (Tide? Cheer? Bounce? Something from Trader Joe's?). I smelled a variety of other, less desirable scents that other passengers had coated themselves in - urine, B.O., cigar smoke, booze-breath, copious amounts of Chanel 5 - sometimes individuallly, occasionally all at once. Do you KNOW how many people are drunk when they get on the bus, Bus Boyfriend? On the number 11 through downtown Seattle, 10% of the passengers are intoxicated, and they smell like it. And they sit next to me, Bus Boyfriend. Like you used to sit, only significanly closer and with more chutzpah and less shame.
Besides drunks, I have had the honor of sitting next to bitchy little teenage gay guys who lisp loudly into their cell phones. Old ladies with whooping cough. Girls who can be no older than 12, dressed like complete mini-whores, who put their Vans-clad feet up on the back of the seat in front of them. Children whose faces are completely obscured by snot. Young white men who think they are big black men, and attempt to speak "jive" ("Yo, yo, yo, man - that mah SHIT!"). iPod-wearing business men with long, long legs and a clear disgust for the fact that I have the nerve to take up exactly 50% of the bench seating.
Bus Boyfriend, where have you gone? Please return to remove me from this misery! I don't want you sexually. Hell, I don't even want to talk to you - you can't even discuss the main storyline of a popular novel and you probably don't want to know any more detail about my inner ear and motion sickness. I just want to feel that odd tension again. And I want to smell you. You were my bus sachet, my ego-boosting little bowl of potpourri. Please come back. When you were around, no crackhead could touch me. Due to the ever-so-slight threat that your presence created, my boyfriend nailed me more often and more sincerely than any other time. You made transportation tolerable, you improved my love life.
If you got a job on the East Side, I forgive you. If you graduated from the UW, I congratulate you. But if you bought a car and now drive yourself downtown, shame on you! Shame! Kyrie Eleison down the road that I must travel. Especially on the bus. Without my Bus Boyfriend.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1985552272
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2010-10-02, 1:12PM PDT
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was months ago. April, maybe May. We only rode the bus together three times, only two times sitting together. The second I saw you, I smiled brightly, because you looked so nice. You were getting on the number 11 at the Lake Washington bus stop, at 9:35 on a Wednesday, heading downtown. You were one of the few people getting on the bus who had not immediately put out a cigarette or a crack pipe. You looked like the average super-casual tech worker or student. You saw me smiling at you, and your face sort of lit up.
You had a soul-patch-triangle-hairy-thing under your bottom lip, which I will normally not tolerate on white men, but you made it work. You wore drab grayish-blue clothes that were slightly baggy. I had chin-length brown hair and cute sunglasses. I was holding a cup of coffee that, true to Starbucks tradition, kept spouting forth like a caffeinated geyser from the tiny sippy hole in the top, scalding my hands as I attempted in vain to dry off with a flimsy recycled paper napkin.
You sat next to me. There was genuine sexual tension, which is rare in Seattle, and even rarer on the bus. You smelled REALLY, REALLY good. I didn't make eye contact, although I took off my sunglasses so that you wouldn't think I looked like a spy. I might have turned down my Shuffle so you wouldn't know that I was listening to Mr. Mister. I didn't make conversation. I just smelled you the whole way downtown.
What was that glorious smell? It wasn't colonge. I have bought colonge for men before, and they don't make men's cologne that smells like this. Was it soap? Laundry detergent? A particularly wonderful brand of fabric softener and/or dryer sheet? I have searched in vain for the scent since meeting you. I want to douse the rest of the bus riders with it. Hell, I'd spray it all over my Shih Tzu if I could distill it. It was sweet, soft, but not girly. It was clean but not chlorine-y.
The next Wednesday, you got on the bus, and you sat next to me. Deliberately. There were dozens of empty seats on the bus, but you chose to sit down next to me. I blushed. You blushed. You smelled even better. You took out a book and pretended to read it. That book everyone is reading, The Kite Flyer or the Flying Kite or something by someone with an Iranian/Afghani/Middle Eastern name. Khaled. Ahmed. Whatever. I nervously asked you about the book. I think I made a really stupid comment about how I can't read on the bus because I get car sick. This must have turned you on. You tried to explain the plot of the book, and you spoke very slowly and not particularly lucidly, in direct contrast to my high-pitched but enunciated prattling.
It was clear, probably to both of us, but certainly to me, that we were not romantically suited for each other. Nor was there any intellectual chemistry. It was clear as crystal. I had at the time, and still have to this day, a boyfriend that I really love. Chances are, you have a girlfriend who rocks your world. I didn't want to do anything to mess that up.
I actually went home and told my boyfriend about you. I called you my Bus Boyfriend. I normally don't tell my boyfriend about random men who want to hit on me but who, true to the Seattle way of life, don't bother. But I told him about you because I wanted him to be aware that other, completely random men occasionally want to be physically close to me, because this is something that even jealous boyfriends are often prone to forgetting. You probably know, Bus Boyfriend, what it's like when you're with a girl for a couple years. If you know she's faithful, you start thinking, "Hey, I'm the only one who has access to this poon..." Then you start thinking, "Hey, no one else really thinks about this woman but me."
My boyfriend took notice when I told him about you; he felt the slight threat that was implicit in our public transportation liaisons, as incredibly platonic as they may have been. He fucked me really hard for a couple of weeks, realizing that he was damn fortunate to have access to this poon.
The last Wednesday I saw you, I noticed you too late. It was a bad morning for me, Bus Boyfriend. I arrived at the bus stop before having that necessary first cup of coffee. The weather was foggy. So was my brain. You got on the bus, and chances are you looked to see if our eyes would meet, because I felt a pair of eyes burning a whole in the side of my face. By the time I was jolted out of my reverie by your smell wafting by, you had passed by and had seated yourself farther back.
For one entire stop I contemplated getting up and sitting next to you. Then a gigantic man with an apparent allergy to soap wedged me in against the window, and it was all I could do to keep from straining my neck while looking back at you and hoping that you would at least get up and stand behind me, so I could smell something besides the 300-pound armpit pushing up against my cheek.
Then, after that, nothing. I never saw you on the bus again. I never got to inhale your pleasant scent again (Tide? Cheer? Bounce? Something from Trader Joe's?). I smelled a variety of other, less desirable scents that other passengers had coated themselves in - urine, B.O., cigar smoke, booze-breath, copious amounts of Chanel 5 - sometimes individuallly, occasionally all at once. Do you KNOW how many people are drunk when they get on the bus, Bus Boyfriend? On the number 11 through downtown Seattle, 10% of the passengers are intoxicated, and they smell like it. And they sit next to me, Bus Boyfriend. Like you used to sit, only significanly closer and with more chutzpah and less shame.
Besides drunks, I have had the honor of sitting next to bitchy little teenage gay guys who lisp loudly into their cell phones. Old ladies with whooping cough. Girls who can be no older than 12, dressed like complete mini-whores, who put their Vans-clad feet up on the back of the seat in front of them. Children whose faces are completely obscured by snot. Young white men who think they are big black men, and attempt to speak "jive" ("Yo, yo, yo, man - that mah SHIT!"). iPod-wearing business men with long, long legs and a clear disgust for the fact that I have the nerve to take up exactly 50% of the bench seating.
Bus Boyfriend, where have you gone? Please return to remove me from this misery! I don't want you sexually. Hell, I don't even want to talk to you - you can't even discuss the main storyline of a popular novel and you probably don't want to know any more detail about my inner ear and motion sickness. I just want to feel that odd tension again. And I want to smell you. You were my bus sachet, my ego-boosting little bowl of potpourri. Please come back. When you were around, no crackhead could touch me. Due to the ever-so-slight threat that your presence created, my boyfriend nailed me more often and more sincerely than any other time. You made transportation tolerable, you improved my love life.
If you got a job on the East Side, I forgive you. If you graduated from the UW, I congratulate you. But if you bought a car and now drive yourself downtown, shame on you! Shame! Kyrie Eleison down the road that I must travel. Especially on the bus. Without my Bus Boyfriend.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1985552272
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Let's Tweet in the New Year Shall We
These all happened or were said at one point. And I spent $12. New Year's Eve's Events in 140 characters or less.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the number of ex-girlfriends here, this night will be ending in tears.
Chick just threw up on my shoes. Then asked to borrow them for the walk home-she lost hers. I gave her 1.
I think Kelly slept on my doorstep.
-It's -17 degrees.
The door was unlocked, what more was I supposed to do.
hmm. I think she's playing the game in life called 'how far will a man travel for a booty call'.
She has a commanding lead.
I'm not crying, i just poured water on my face to wipe off the running mascara dick.
RT@youhadmeatblondeandtrustfund: you had me at "you have a nicer rack than her"
Leaving the window open. Her vibrator's funeral is at 2am. Bring a side dish/dessert or some shit.
You just tipped the cab driver with 17 condoms. Booyah!
Eff you red bull, Eff you.
Dear guradian angel, please come back, in a tight one here.
Where the F are we, South Beach?
PANTSPUSHING!!
Lots's of explosions, brief nudity, full penetration, so many tuxedos. How's your night going?
Wanttng to gt homeso mch quickerr. NOto gonnna vmitj notgonna do iT.
I just pet a horse.
Just met the ex Gf's new BF. Didn't seem like a douch AT ALL.
DM@twoballsnoglory: She just did a bodyshot off herself, I don't care if it's 8:30, come pick her ass up.
Gonna go curl up in a ball in the corner and listen to Matchbox 20. Call me.
ID, Check. $4, Check. Cell, Check.
oooh, do you still have that burrito in your pocket?
Thought I was dreaming; nope just seeing quadruple. This curb looks comfy. And yes, i Just texted a semi-colon hammered.
Yep, pretty sure I just ruined their relationship. Take a bow.
Wine glass full of tequila. Please ignore all texts after this one.
Champongo!!!
Phone Five. She's hot!
She negotiated the purchase of a tray of 50 jello shots for $8. Save the date in mail on Monday.
So fucking cold, dick going in toaster when i get home.
I just snuked (sneezed and puked)
Pitchers of white russians!
Dude you just made out with my girlfriend.
-She's not your girlfriend.
Oh yea. Well im still pissed.
-you can make out with mine.
deal.
Thank you 2010, we just kicked your ass. I came out one tooth ahead of last new years, gotta call that a success.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the number of ex-girlfriends here, this night will be ending in tears.
Chick just threw up on my shoes. Then asked to borrow them for the walk home-she lost hers. I gave her 1.
I think Kelly slept on my doorstep.
-It's -17 degrees.
The door was unlocked, what more was I supposed to do.
hmm. I think she's playing the game in life called 'how far will a man travel for a booty call'.
She has a commanding lead.
I'm not crying, i just poured water on my face to wipe off the running mascara dick.
RT@youhadmeatblondeandtrustfund: you had me at "you have a nicer rack than her"
Leaving the window open. Her vibrator's funeral is at 2am. Bring a side dish/dessert or some shit.
You just tipped the cab driver with 17 condoms. Booyah!
Eff you red bull, Eff you.
Dear guradian angel, please come back, in a tight one here.
Where the F are we, South Beach?
PANTSPUSHING!!
Lots's of explosions, brief nudity, full penetration, so many tuxedos. How's your night going?
Wanttng to gt homeso mch quickerr. NOto gonnna vmitj notgonna do iT.
I just pet a horse.
Just met the ex Gf's new BF. Didn't seem like a douch AT ALL.
DM@twoballsnoglory: She just did a bodyshot off herself, I don't care if it's 8:30, come pick her ass up.
Gonna go curl up in a ball in the corner and listen to Matchbox 20. Call me.
ID, Check. $4, Check. Cell, Check.
oooh, do you still have that burrito in your pocket?
Thought I was dreaming; nope just seeing quadruple. This curb looks comfy. And yes, i Just texted a semi-colon hammered.
Yep, pretty sure I just ruined their relationship. Take a bow.
Wine glass full of tequila. Please ignore all texts after this one.
Champongo!!!
Phone Five. She's hot!
She negotiated the purchase of a tray of 50 jello shots for $8. Save the date in mail on Monday.
So fucking cold, dick going in toaster when i get home.
I just snuked (sneezed and puked)
Pitchers of white russians!
Dude you just made out with my girlfriend.
-She's not your girlfriend.
Oh yea. Well im still pissed.
-you can make out with mine.
deal.
Thank you 2010, we just kicked your ass. I came out one tooth ahead of last new years, gotta call that a success.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Top 5 Movies of 2010-Phantom Style
Because I saw 1 movie this year, but still want to contribute to the top 5 list-here are my phantom picks for top movies of 2010. These ratings are made up, and we're going to do it twitter style-140 characters or less.
5. Toy Story 3-I don't know, is Tom Hanks even still alive?
4. The Fighter-Because it's so risky to make a sports movie these days, as you only have one market that wil MAYBE need to see it in the theater-35-45 yr. males
3. Due Date-Saw it, laughed. Better than i thought it would be. And dogs jacking off.
2. True Grit. Run, don't walk.
1. Black Swan-A fucking pantspusher. COME ON!!
5. Toy Story 3-I don't know, is Tom Hanks even still alive?
4. The Fighter-Because it's so risky to make a sports movie these days, as you only have one market that wil MAYBE need to see it in the theater-35-45 yr. males
3. Due Date-Saw it, laughed. Better than i thought it would be. And dogs jacking off.
2. True Grit. Run, don't walk.
1. Black Swan-A fucking pantspusher. COME ON!!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Tonight's gonna be brutal
Can't wait. might be the most excited i've ever been about a regular season game ever.
http://CavsChants.Wordpress.Com.
http://CavsChants.Wordpress.Com.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Justin Darlington & Guy Dupuy (TFB) SHUT DOWN the Midnight Madness 2010 ...
Puts NBA Dunk Contest to Shame
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
American Soccer-Where we stand?
From the ole Bill Simmons mailbag
Q: Soccer still isn't going anywhere in America for this reason: People like me, who only watch soccer whenever the World Cup is on, are hated by actual soccer fans. They would rather have us not watch soccer at all rather than start watching soccer and rooting for the U.S. during the World Cup. It kills them to see people watching who don't normally. I have heard people say things to other people along the lines of "you don't even know the rules" and "if you don't know what's going on then don't watch." Ironically, diehard soccer fans here are actually hurting soccer's progress here in the U.S..
-- Brandon P, Zanesville, Ohio
SG: You just introduced a premise called "The Cult of Status Quo." Sometimes when people become die-hard fans of something that isn't mainstream -- a writer, a band, a player, a TV show, a sport or whatever -- they want to keep that thing the way it is over seeing that thing take off. Why? Because it's cooler to like something that isn't mainstream popular. Because mainstream popularity begets bandwagon fans and people who aren't as sophisticated about that product. Because it's more fun to love something before it takes off than after it takes off.
Hence, it's easier for original fans to dump on newer fans than to tolerate them and hope they advance the cause of whatever they like. I notice this every time I mention the UFC or poker -- there's this bizarre (and totally dismissive) backlash, as if I'm not allowed to watch those sports or even mention them because I'm not a real fan. Well, how do you become a real fan? By liking a sport without disliking the core people who like it. So it's a self-perpetuating cycle, and as weird as this sounds, the original fans like it that way. It maintains their ownership of the product. When the product outgrows them (specifically in the case of a creative entity), that's when the core fans start throwing around phrases like "jumped the shark" and "sold out," mostly because they're bitter it's not just them and the product any more.
With soccer, die-hard American fans love the World Cup itself, but they hate everything that comes with it; the World Cup drudges up the same storylines they've learned to despise ("Soccer can't take off unless X, Y or Z happens," "Our best athletes don't play soccer," "It can never be big here unless there's more scoring" and "They should get rid of offsides," to name four). I don't blame them for reacting negatively to that stuff, but you wouldn't call them welcoming, either. And they have taken a ton of crap over the years, which tends to harden the line between real fans and everyone else. I can tell you that in the past 15 months, when I wrote about soccer a few times and it became clear that it was more than a bandwagon thing, and that I was actually starting to understand what I was watching -- the feedback from die-hards has been tremendous (and much appreciated). They just need to be a little less condescending with neophytes.
For fun, I asked David Hirshey (soccer historian, author of "The ESPN World Cup Companion") and Michael Davies (TV producer, World Cup blogger) for their takes:
Hirshey: "The question of authenticity among fans is hardly soccer-centric. I started watching 'Mad Men' after the third episode had aired. I have a friend who became obsessed with the series once the first season DVD came out. Now he never misses an episode. Are we bandwagon jumpers? Sure, if you want to view it that way. Me, I just want everyone to love soccer the way I fell for it back in the late 1960s -- when you had to walk 10 miles (OK, blocks), in the snow, just to hear the score of a Man U-Arsenal game. Does being a fan for the past 40 plus years make me any more legitimate than someone who embraced the sport this summer because Landon Donovan scored a dramatic goal in the World Cup or Diego Forlan has great hair? Absolutely not. Are there still so-called 'die-hards' who want soccer in this country to remain a kind of secret Skull and Bones society where membership is passed down through generations? Sadly, yes. I say De Jong them in the chest and tell them to get over themselves."
Davies: "I completely agree that many die-hard soccer fans in the U.S. have learned to become just as annoying and condescending as die-hard soccer fans in England and all over the world. Globalization is a wonderful thing. But that doesn't seem to be the main premise of the Q from Zanesville. What BP is actually arguing is that soccer still isn't going anywhere in the U.S. And whatever Glenn Beck says, it's just tough to argue against the empirical data -- TV ratings, website traffic, bar tabs. They're all going up during and around soccer games. That seems to indicate that however annoying or casual the fans are, or however annoying they are to each other, they are still watching. Yes, the World Cup more than anything else. But U.S. interest in the English Premier League and Champions League and the ratings and website traffic surrounding those leagues is growing significantly, too. There are even people who watch Major League Soccer. And that may be the biggest miracle of all. And the biggest proof that soccer must be going somewhere here. It's like Daniel Kellison's [former executive producer of 'The Man Show' and 'Jimmy Kimmel Live'] heterosexuality test: Any man can have sex with a model, but only the most heterosexual of men can bring himself to have sex with a truly unattractive woman. The fact that American soccer fans can sit through 90 minutes of MLS is proof of a love of soccer beyond anything the rest of the world can possibly fathom."
Q: Soccer still isn't going anywhere in America for this reason: People like me, who only watch soccer whenever the World Cup is on, are hated by actual soccer fans. They would rather have us not watch soccer at all rather than start watching soccer and rooting for the U.S. during the World Cup. It kills them to see people watching who don't normally. I have heard people say things to other people along the lines of "you don't even know the rules" and "if you don't know what's going on then don't watch." Ironically, diehard soccer fans here are actually hurting soccer's progress here in the U.S..
-- Brandon P, Zanesville, Ohio
SG: You just introduced a premise called "The Cult of Status Quo." Sometimes when people become die-hard fans of something that isn't mainstream -- a writer, a band, a player, a TV show, a sport or whatever -- they want to keep that thing the way it is over seeing that thing take off. Why? Because it's cooler to like something that isn't mainstream popular. Because mainstream popularity begets bandwagon fans and people who aren't as sophisticated about that product. Because it's more fun to love something before it takes off than after it takes off.
Hence, it's easier for original fans to dump on newer fans than to tolerate them and hope they advance the cause of whatever they like. I notice this every time I mention the UFC or poker -- there's this bizarre (and totally dismissive) backlash, as if I'm not allowed to watch those sports or even mention them because I'm not a real fan. Well, how do you become a real fan? By liking a sport without disliking the core people who like it. So it's a self-perpetuating cycle, and as weird as this sounds, the original fans like it that way. It maintains their ownership of the product. When the product outgrows them (specifically in the case of a creative entity), that's when the core fans start throwing around phrases like "jumped the shark" and "sold out," mostly because they're bitter it's not just them and the product any more.
With soccer, die-hard American fans love the World Cup itself, but they hate everything that comes with it; the World Cup drudges up the same storylines they've learned to despise ("Soccer can't take off unless X, Y or Z happens," "Our best athletes don't play soccer," "It can never be big here unless there's more scoring" and "They should get rid of offsides," to name four). I don't blame them for reacting negatively to that stuff, but you wouldn't call them welcoming, either. And they have taken a ton of crap over the years, which tends to harden the line between real fans and everyone else. I can tell you that in the past 15 months, when I wrote about soccer a few times and it became clear that it was more than a bandwagon thing, and that I was actually starting to understand what I was watching -- the feedback from die-hards has been tremendous (and much appreciated). They just need to be a little less condescending with neophytes.
For fun, I asked David Hirshey (soccer historian, author of "The ESPN World Cup Companion") and Michael Davies (TV producer, World Cup blogger) for their takes:
Hirshey: "The question of authenticity among fans is hardly soccer-centric. I started watching 'Mad Men' after the third episode had aired. I have a friend who became obsessed with the series once the first season DVD came out. Now he never misses an episode. Are we bandwagon jumpers? Sure, if you want to view it that way. Me, I just want everyone to love soccer the way I fell for it back in the late 1960s -- when you had to walk 10 miles (OK, blocks), in the snow, just to hear the score of a Man U-Arsenal game. Does being a fan for the past 40 plus years make me any more legitimate than someone who embraced the sport this summer because Landon Donovan scored a dramatic goal in the World Cup or Diego Forlan has great hair? Absolutely not. Are there still so-called 'die-hards' who want soccer in this country to remain a kind of secret Skull and Bones society where membership is passed down through generations? Sadly, yes. I say De Jong them in the chest and tell them to get over themselves."
Davies: "I completely agree that many die-hard soccer fans in the U.S. have learned to become just as annoying and condescending as die-hard soccer fans in England and all over the world. Globalization is a wonderful thing. But that doesn't seem to be the main premise of the Q from Zanesville. What BP is actually arguing is that soccer still isn't going anywhere in the U.S. And whatever Glenn Beck says, it's just tough to argue against the empirical data -- TV ratings, website traffic, bar tabs. They're all going up during and around soccer games. That seems to indicate that however annoying or casual the fans are, or however annoying they are to each other, they are still watching. Yes, the World Cup more than anything else. But U.S. interest in the English Premier League and Champions League and the ratings and website traffic surrounding those leagues is growing significantly, too. There are even people who watch Major League Soccer. And that may be the biggest miracle of all. And the biggest proof that soccer must be going somewhere here. It's like Daniel Kellison's [former executive producer of 'The Man Show' and 'Jimmy Kimmel Live'] heterosexuality test: Any man can have sex with a model, but only the most heterosexual of men can bring himself to have sex with a truly unattractive woman. The fact that American soccer fans can sit through 90 minutes of MLS is proof of a love of soccer beyond anything the rest of the world can possibly fathom."
Friday, June 25, 2010
Group Stage Complete-Very Satisfying
So a quick little recap as the group stage of the 2010 WC has been completed. Great great stuff. Of course we couldn't be happier with the way things played out for the ole Red White and Blue. We could go on and on about the biggest goal in US Soccer history, but let's sum up a couple other team's happenings.
Overall, gotta love that the 2010 World Cup is shaping up like World War II- France has forfeited, America turned up late, and England is left to fight the Germans. Italy, I believe was just asleep the whole time.
Some surprise teams that look really Good:
While perennial powers Argentina, Brazil and Spain look really really good, especially Argentina with the doubts coming in, there are a few other teams that look awesome, that I didn't think would.
Uruguay-they play great soccer. Goal scorers, quick play and my sleeper for Golden Boot with Forlan.
Biggest Surprise-who looks very dangerous-Japan!
Fucking posessed, energized, super fast and fun to watch.
How big was winning the Group for US. Yes, The United States looks like they are playing some of the best soccer of the tournament too. Not just saying that, they legitimately look good for once. Knocking it around, creating things, great keep in the pipes, and sooo mentally strong. Most of these other countries would have folded up shop down 2 goals to Slovenia, getting bitch slapped all over by the referees, and seeing opportunity after opportunity fail and fail against Algeria. Kept pushing, pushing, and you could just see they weren't going to go home. 90 minutes 45 seconds-then history. AMAZING. So, that said... Who would you rather be slotted with going into the quarters the-Argentina-Mexico-Germany bracket or South Korea-Ghana-Uruguay?? Nuff said. Obviously anybody that makes it this far is good. real good, but that walk to the semis looks mighty better now if you ask me.
More to follow, I gotta go get a cheeseburger and watch Spain Chile right now.
I still like Brazil to win it all, but watch out for the Landon Donovan Pants Party!
Overall, gotta love that the 2010 World Cup is shaping up like World War II- France has forfeited, America turned up late, and England is left to fight the Germans. Italy, I believe was just asleep the whole time.
Some surprise teams that look really Good:
While perennial powers Argentina, Brazil and Spain look really really good, especially Argentina with the doubts coming in, there are a few other teams that look awesome, that I didn't think would.
Uruguay-they play great soccer. Goal scorers, quick play and my sleeper for Golden Boot with Forlan.
Biggest Surprise-who looks very dangerous-Japan!
Fucking posessed, energized, super fast and fun to watch.
How big was winning the Group for US. Yes, The United States looks like they are playing some of the best soccer of the tournament too. Not just saying that, they legitimately look good for once. Knocking it around, creating things, great keep in the pipes, and sooo mentally strong. Most of these other countries would have folded up shop down 2 goals to Slovenia, getting bitch slapped all over by the referees, and seeing opportunity after opportunity fail and fail against Algeria. Kept pushing, pushing, and you could just see they weren't going to go home. 90 minutes 45 seconds-then history. AMAZING. So, that said... Who would you rather be slotted with going into the quarters the-Argentina-Mexico-Germany bracket or South Korea-Ghana-Uruguay?? Nuff said. Obviously anybody that makes it this far is good. real good, but that walk to the semis looks mighty better now if you ask me.
More to follow, I gotta go get a cheeseburger and watch Spain Chile right now.
I still like Brazil to win it all, but watch out for the Landon Donovan Pants Party!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
The Cameltoe Alphabet
So, this is really an idea for a coffeetable book. 26 pages. 26 Names of Cameltoes. Each accompanied by a picture, based on the description. Use your imagination on the pictures for now. I am getting a camera this weekend. Any volunteers?
------------------------------------------------------
Hitting Coffeetables Everywhere...
A movement-a phenomenon.
The Cameltoe Alphabet: Glorified(somewhat) Views of The Other Cleavage.
Introduction: Due to a combination of anatomical factors, the snugness of the fabric in the region surrounding the cleft of venus may result in the area of the crotch taking on the appearance of the forefoot of a camel or other even-toed ungulate. Too bad for them, but good reading for us! Enjoy.
A. Alcatraz...There's no escape
B. Bulge...Try an anti-inflamatory. Advil works great. Or sweatpants.
C. Cartman...I'm not fat, I'm big boned
D. Desktop...A fine place to keep a pencil too
E. Everest...Be sure to bring extra oxygen tanks
F. French Toast...Aunt Jemima will do
G. Gremlin...Is your crotch hungry girl? cuz it's eating your pants.
H. Hunt for Red October...Surface! Surface! Surface!
I. Iwo Jima...The US Invasion
J. Jahugeuan...Very very big.
K. Kumquat...Slow-growing, shrubby, compact. The little gold gems of the citrus fruit family
L. Lip Reader...Your pants are so tight, I can read your lips.
M. Muffin Top...Yep
N. Nine Iron...Slight hook to the left
O. One Lane Road...Nice little poon crease
P. Post Office Box...Stuff it in there!
Q. Qwest High-Speed Internet...One Package, One Low Price!
R. Robert Downey Jr...Rehab fixes everything
S. Split the uprights...Plent of ball clearance there!
T. Three-toed sloth...Spending countless hours furrowing in the bush.
U. Upside down tomato plant...Lots of sunlight, lots of water.
V. Volleyball...Bump, Set, Cameltoe!
W. Wrench...Fix yourself
X. Xylophone...mmm, nice fold.
Y. Yellow Brick Road...We're off to see the Wizard!
Z. Zihixopxkoe-WTF is That?!
------------------------------------------------------
Hitting Coffeetables Everywhere...
A movement-a phenomenon.
The Cameltoe Alphabet: Glorified(somewhat) Views of The Other Cleavage.
Introduction: Due to a combination of anatomical factors, the snugness of the fabric in the region surrounding the cleft of venus may result in the area of the crotch taking on the appearance of the forefoot of a camel or other even-toed ungulate. Too bad for them, but good reading for us! Enjoy.
A. Alcatraz...There's no escape
B. Bulge...Try an anti-inflamatory. Advil works great. Or sweatpants.
C. Cartman...I'm not fat, I'm big boned
D. Desktop...A fine place to keep a pencil too
E. Everest...Be sure to bring extra oxygen tanks
F. French Toast...Aunt Jemima will do
G. Gremlin...Is your crotch hungry girl? cuz it's eating your pants.
H. Hunt for Red October...Surface! Surface! Surface!
I. Iwo Jima...The US Invasion
J. Jahugeuan...Very very big.
K. Kumquat...Slow-growing, shrubby, compact. The little gold gems of the citrus fruit family
L. Lip Reader...Your pants are so tight, I can read your lips.
M. Muffin Top...Yep
N. Nine Iron...Slight hook to the left
O. One Lane Road...Nice little poon crease
P. Post Office Box...Stuff it in there!
Q. Qwest High-Speed Internet...One Package, One Low Price!
R. Robert Downey Jr...Rehab fixes everything
S. Split the uprights...Plent of ball clearance there!
T. Three-toed sloth...Spending countless hours furrowing in the bush.
U. Upside down tomato plant...Lots of sunlight, lots of water.
V. Volleyball...Bump, Set, Cameltoe!
W. Wrench...Fix yourself
X. Xylophone...mmm, nice fold.
Y. Yellow Brick Road...We're off to see the Wizard!
Z. Zihixopxkoe-WTF is That?!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
read
It's been awhile. Ive been doing lots of push ups.
I feel sorry for people that dont drink. When they wake up in the morning, thats THE BEST they're going to feel ALL DAY.
I feel sorry for people that dont drink. When they wake up in the morning, thats THE BEST they're going to feel ALL DAY.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Nice Tie, Asshole
College is like the island in "Lost" -- things happen that can't be explained, there are different tribes of people with whom you uneasily co-exist, you're living in close quarters with a bunch of people that eventually drive you crazy, you can't find a good toilet, you don't appreciate being there until you're gone (then you want to go back), and there might even be some time-traveling.
I love it when people compliment one another on their clothing, and we accept the compliment as if it were meant for us. "Nice tie." "Well Thank you." The compliment is for the tie, not for you. But we take it.
But that's essentially the job of clothing isn't it--to get compliments for us because it is very difficult to get compliments based on the type of person you actually are. Let's face it, you could be a very nice person, but nobody is going to give you the satisfaction of recognizing that. No no no. I assume just be a bastard, and try to match your colors up. MMM
I love it when people compliment one another on their clothing, and we accept the compliment as if it were meant for us. "Nice tie." "Well Thank you." The compliment is for the tie, not for you. But we take it.
But that's essentially the job of clothing isn't it--to get compliments for us because it is very difficult to get compliments based on the type of person you actually are. Let's face it, you could be a very nice person, but nobody is going to give you the satisfaction of recognizing that. No no no. I assume just be a bastard, and try to match your colors up. MMM
Friday, March 5, 2010
AutoReply:AutoReply:AutoReply:AutoReply
If I put up an out of office reply to an out of office reply, will they just keep AutoReply-bouncing back and forth? I like this idea a lot. This is what I am thinking about today.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Conundrumizations
You may have a soft spot for puppies, God, mashed potatoes, and The Family Guy. Or a gripe with Russian Figure skaters, Jay Leno, and cats. But whatever the cause, there is a reason for that emotion you have with everything, everything. It's different for everyone, it's subconscious or steaming out the ears. It's acted upon or pushed into mushpile of emotions in our brains, maybe to surface again, maybe to add to the cancer forming there.
Why is this the way the world is? It's because today my $5 Footlong cost $8.29. It's because as soon as we have somewhat stabilized things in Haiti, a magnitude 8.8 earthquake hits Chile. It's because we polarize a Canadian Women's Hockey team's celebration of a lifelong dream come true. It's because the only commercials that make sense are for Old Spice. I'm on a horse.
So, instead of accept that there are anomolies for why most of the world's daily events just don't really make sense, I will be making my own agenda to control those things I can control in an effort to single handedly turn the world around. Where do we start-the recession? That's our biggest problem, right? Money? Please, if we continue to say that a recession is our single most pressing issue in our world, I empathize with those who never knew otherwise-the Namibians, the Baltimorians, our children, the street performers, the Zimbabweans.
I have a thought. What if Obama stopped our country one day and issued a national shopping day. Yes. We must stop, and we must shop. Tomorrow, you do not go to work-save for those that work in retail stores and restaurant establishments, you will work half days and rotate your shift-then shop. We must stimulate. One day-the entire world spends money. Even Wall Street-you must pause. Objections? It's a thought
Well, stimulus aside, these are the things I will do to change the world by being more sustainable. They are small things, they will not make a difference. So it will not actually take place, but it's something to think about if the entire world did these things:
I will only wear deodorant on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every other Sunday.
I will run everywhere I go. To work, up the stairs. To the fax machine. From the pantry to the toaster. Home from the bars.
I will not get ice in my drinks. Or do you think we should ask for extra ice? Which one saves more? More product with less ice, thus conserving water, or extra ice with more product, slowing mass production? I'll just stick with beer.
I will not feed the birds at the park.
I will email you my novel.
I will have happy hour with you via twitter. Nope, but hey, not out of the question these days.
I will wear shirts from 8th grade.
I will feed the dog leftovers.
I will bring a thermos.
I will wear slippers to work-saves sock laundry.
I will not use straws.
I will roll through stop signs to save gas.
I will fly standby.
I will brush my teeth and shave in the shower at the same time, with the lights off.
Did you know that I'm riding this horse, backwards?
Why is this the way the world is? It's because today my $5 Footlong cost $8.29. It's because as soon as we have somewhat stabilized things in Haiti, a magnitude 8.8 earthquake hits Chile. It's because we polarize a Canadian Women's Hockey team's celebration of a lifelong dream come true. It's because the only commercials that make sense are for Old Spice. I'm on a horse.
So, instead of accept that there are anomolies for why most of the world's daily events just don't really make sense, I will be making my own agenda to control those things I can control in an effort to single handedly turn the world around. Where do we start-the recession? That's our biggest problem, right? Money? Please, if we continue to say that a recession is our single most pressing issue in our world, I empathize with those who never knew otherwise-the Namibians, the Baltimorians, our children, the street performers, the Zimbabweans.
I have a thought. What if Obama stopped our country one day and issued a national shopping day. Yes. We must stop, and we must shop. Tomorrow, you do not go to work-save for those that work in retail stores and restaurant establishments, you will work half days and rotate your shift-then shop. We must stimulate. One day-the entire world spends money. Even Wall Street-you must pause. Objections? It's a thought
Well, stimulus aside, these are the things I will do to change the world by being more sustainable. They are small things, they will not make a difference. So it will not actually take place, but it's something to think about if the entire world did these things:
I will only wear deodorant on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every other Sunday.
I will run everywhere I go. To work, up the stairs. To the fax machine. From the pantry to the toaster. Home from the bars.
I will not get ice in my drinks. Or do you think we should ask for extra ice? Which one saves more? More product with less ice, thus conserving water, or extra ice with more product, slowing mass production? I'll just stick with beer.
I will not feed the birds at the park.
I will email you my novel.
I will have happy hour with you via twitter. Nope, but hey, not out of the question these days.
I will wear shirts from 8th grade.
I will feed the dog leftovers.
I will bring a thermos.
I will wear slippers to work-saves sock laundry.
I will not use straws.
I will roll through stop signs to save gas.
I will fly standby.
I will brush my teeth and shave in the shower at the same time, with the lights off.
Did you know that I'm riding this horse, backwards?
Friday, February 19, 2010
Tiger Woods? More like Pussycat Woods
Damn, that was a horrendous speech. I still taste vomit. I don't really know where to begin, but I have a hard time finding sincerity coming from a robot. First off, the opening resembled a bad SNL skit-blue curtain, the tops of peoples heads, small podium, muffled microphone bumps-only Tiger forgot to put his makeup on and looked like his past 45 therapy sessions really wore him out.
Tiger could have handled this in a lot of ways, and yes, it is one of the worst scandals the world has ever seen, but I bet he could have found a better way than to find 15 people with bowties and boring faces and cram them into a high school speech classroom.
Kudos:
Way to apologize to your sponsors before the families of the children whose idolizations you ruined.
Way to use the excuse "I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them." Hack Hack spit, vomit. This was a bad move. "Um I was just pretty horny and stuff." Should of probably just went with that.
Some reporters said that it came from the heart. Um, I'm sorry, pretty sure he was just reading from the "Cheaters Confessions for Dummies" book-$19.99 on Amazon.
Listen, most people in the world of sports know that Tiger is quiet, reserved, not great on camera, apparently bad public speaker. But damn, he made George Bush look like Barack Obama(well that's a bit of an exxageration, ok not even close). But if I...talked like this...for 15..minutes straight...looking directly...into...the camera...pause...awkward point to pause...pause...I would...feel...a little...creeped out too...I'm sorry.
The entire speech, I kept grabbing my arm to unbunch the long sleeve shirt inside my sweatshirt it was so uncomfortable, but I realized that I was wearing a v-neck short sleeve-$19.99 on Amazon.
I kept waiting for the Duracells to fall out of his back at some point. After thinking about some of his remarks, "selfish, I'm sorry, disappointment, I'm sorry, irresponsible and foolish, I'm sorry 27 other times" I realized my favorite part was probably this:
"Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that."
Speculate? Fabricate? Yes, why would we, I have no idea where that would come from...let me digress: You crash into fire hydrant, people find you unconsciuos, wife with golf club, broken back window of vehicle, no shoes, 2:30 am, wife finding out about affairs, scandal, cover-up, disappearing for 10 weeks, rehab, wife with golf club, you uncouscious...Sorry bud, what are we supposed to think? You won't say a word. In fact, I think the last thing you said on camera was "Please people, not during my backswing." Classy, great for the sport.
Hold on for 3 minutes...............................................................................................................
Ok, back, had to go poop in the fridge and eat an entire wheel of cheese.
Tiger, don't apopolize to me. You don't need to, you didn't do anything to me, so don't put yourelf on some pedestal and feel like you owe the entire world an apology. And if you do, it's not a state of the union address. We don't need to stop our lives and hear you embarrass yourself even further. I needed a fucking translator for some of it. Just say sorry, tell us when you will be smashing 400 yard drives again, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Wait for it, wait for it, yeah! There it is-oh, nope never mind, thought it was a tear, nope just the lighting.
Tiger could have handled this in a lot of ways, and yes, it is one of the worst scandals the world has ever seen, but I bet he could have found a better way than to find 15 people with bowties and boring faces and cram them into a high school speech classroom.
Kudos:
Way to apologize to your sponsors before the families of the children whose idolizations you ruined.
Way to use the excuse "I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them." Hack Hack spit, vomit. This was a bad move. "Um I was just pretty horny and stuff." Should of probably just went with that.
Some reporters said that it came from the heart. Um, I'm sorry, pretty sure he was just reading from the "Cheaters Confessions for Dummies" book-$19.99 on Amazon.
Listen, most people in the world of sports know that Tiger is quiet, reserved, not great on camera, apparently bad public speaker. But damn, he made George Bush look like Barack Obama(well that's a bit of an exxageration, ok not even close). But if I...talked like this...for 15..minutes straight...looking directly...into...the camera...pause...awkward point to pause...pause...I would...feel...a little...creeped out too...I'm sorry.
The entire speech, I kept grabbing my arm to unbunch the long sleeve shirt inside my sweatshirt it was so uncomfortable, but I realized that I was wearing a v-neck short sleeve-$19.99 on Amazon.
I kept waiting for the Duracells to fall out of his back at some point. After thinking about some of his remarks, "selfish, I'm sorry, disappointment, I'm sorry, irresponsible and foolish, I'm sorry 27 other times" I realized my favorite part was probably this:
"Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that."
Speculate? Fabricate? Yes, why would we, I have no idea where that would come from...let me digress: You crash into fire hydrant, people find you unconsciuos, wife with golf club, broken back window of vehicle, no shoes, 2:30 am, wife finding out about affairs, scandal, cover-up, disappearing for 10 weeks, rehab, wife with golf club, you uncouscious...Sorry bud, what are we supposed to think? You won't say a word. In fact, I think the last thing you said on camera was "Please people, not during my backswing." Classy, great for the sport.
Hold on for 3 minutes...............................................................................................................
Ok, back, had to go poop in the fridge and eat an entire wheel of cheese.
Tiger, don't apopolize to me. You don't need to, you didn't do anything to me, so don't put yourelf on some pedestal and feel like you owe the entire world an apology. And if you do, it's not a state of the union address. We don't need to stop our lives and hear you embarrass yourself even further. I needed a fucking translator for some of it. Just say sorry, tell us when you will be smashing 400 yard drives again, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Wait for it, wait for it, yeah! There it is-oh, nope never mind, thought it was a tear, nope just the lighting.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Cougar All-Stars
As previously mentioned, here is the unveiling of my rendition of the 2010 Demi Moore All Stars...
My Batting Order for Sexiest Superstars over 40-The Cougar All Stars. Qualifications: Over 40, Female, Alive(ish).
Leadoff: Jennifer Aniston-Unselfish, just gets the ball in play, and probably a lit stick of dynamite on the basepath. Her tabloid frequencies and drama are only good PR.
2-Hole: Salma Hayek-Fiesty and aggressive, but willing to advance the runner and give up her stats for the sake of a victory.
3: Halle Berry-Because, she's Halle Berry
4: Julia Roberts-A knockout consistent slugger and my perennial MVP. Great teammate and good with the media. Home run hitter with looks and very above average acting. She is a proven winner and our most decorated player. Stats haven't slid with age-Our Wade Boggs circa 1983.
5: Demi Moore-Leads the team in RBI's and bruises. Leads by example and just scares the shit out of opposing pitchers. Proceed with caution, may need to be tested for PEDs.
6: Ashley Judd-Great for the clubhouse, keeps things light and is a real fan of the game. Underrated tatas.
7: Michelle Pfeiffer-Woof. If it's the bottom of the ninth and you're down a run with a man on 2nd, there isn't another person I would want coming up for us than Michelle Pfeiffer. Can you say walk off!
8: Sandra Bullock-The Catcher's spot-The Team Leader and Captain. Sacrificial and admired but down to earth and just one of the gang. Making a career comeback after years of being the best player in sub-par movies.
9: Tough Call between Marisa Tomei and Teri Hatcher. I'll go with Tomei based on resume and the diversity card.
Starting Pitcher: Diane Lane-Crafty, curvy, never flustered, the cougar of cougars. This was a no-brainer.
Set-up reliever: Maria Bello-Can throw one inning or three, has the highest "nude scene per movie" ratio of any decent actress.
Reliever-Cindy Crawford: Ziiiiiiing. Still smokin fastballs at 100mph+ every time out.
The Skipper-Heather Locklear, with base coaches Teri Hatcher and Monica Bellucci.
My Batting Order for Sexiest Superstars over 40-The Cougar All Stars. Qualifications: Over 40, Female, Alive(ish).
Leadoff: Jennifer Aniston-Unselfish, just gets the ball in play, and probably a lit stick of dynamite on the basepath. Her tabloid frequencies and drama are only good PR.
2-Hole: Salma Hayek-Fiesty and aggressive, but willing to advance the runner and give up her stats for the sake of a victory.
3: Halle Berry-Because, she's Halle Berry
4: Julia Roberts-A knockout consistent slugger and my perennial MVP. Great teammate and good with the media. Home run hitter with looks and very above average acting. She is a proven winner and our most decorated player. Stats haven't slid with age-Our Wade Boggs circa 1983.
5: Demi Moore-Leads the team in RBI's and bruises. Leads by example and just scares the shit out of opposing pitchers. Proceed with caution, may need to be tested for PEDs.
6: Ashley Judd-Great for the clubhouse, keeps things light and is a real fan of the game. Underrated tatas.
7: Michelle Pfeiffer-Woof. If it's the bottom of the ninth and you're down a run with a man on 2nd, there isn't another person I would want coming up for us than Michelle Pfeiffer. Can you say walk off!
8: Sandra Bullock-The Catcher's spot-The Team Leader and Captain. Sacrificial and admired but down to earth and just one of the gang. Making a career comeback after years of being the best player in sub-par movies.
9: Tough Call between Marisa Tomei and Teri Hatcher. I'll go with Tomei based on resume and the diversity card.
Starting Pitcher: Diane Lane-Crafty, curvy, never flustered, the cougar of cougars. This was a no-brainer.
Set-up reliever: Maria Bello-Can throw one inning or three, has the highest "nude scene per movie" ratio of any decent actress.
Reliever-Cindy Crawford: Ziiiiiiing. Still smokin fastballs at 100mph+ every time out.
The Skipper-Heather Locklear, with base coaches Teri Hatcher and Monica Bellucci.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Olympics: Please add "Swimming and Stab a Guy"
Team USA fielded 216 Olympians. How many did NBC choose to show us in the Opening Ceremonies? Pretty much just Shaun White's teeth. Guess we couldn't get enough Flying Tomato over the last 2 weeks of the X(tasy) Games. I sacrificed my third margarita so I could go somewhere to watch the ceremonies with some volume and get my yearly fill of Bob Costas. I need more Bob Costas in my life.
So, thus far, here are my thoughts, suggestions, alterations, and complaints about the 2010 Olympics, eh? (I will try to throw in subtle Canadian inuendos in wherever possible)
The Opening Ceremonies were about as fresh as Alanis Morissette's latest album(2005). Soo-ree, lame. And the Costas monotone didn't exactly spice it up.
-What isn't a sport anymore? The games are so Americanized so that we can boost our medal count, people don't need talent, athleticism or training to compete anymore. Curling? Seriously. Why isn't darts an olympic sport, or is it? To me the Olympics remind me of when we used be frat kids and invent games while plunging through 6 kegs in one night. Unfortunately these ideas really have become olympic sports...i.e the biathalon(more on this in a minute), curling, archery, and depending on what frat you were in-luge.
The Biathalon: Skiing and guns. Wait, isn't skiing what you do with your 5 and 6 year olds and drink hot chocolate? Now we add a loaded weapon? Like what's next, swimming and stab a guy? I like it. We get OJ. Also, the biatholon should involve live animals, not stationary targets. "And the Gold Medal goes to Mikel Scovenlivenhosen of Finland, he bagged 3 possums, 1/2 a squirrel and a small moose, with a time of 1:23:09!"
Competitions that should be in the Olympics:
"Benders with Bode."
"Pronunciation of your competitors names"
Again, "Swimming and stab a guy"
"Facial expressions during the judges scoring"
Anything Ethopia is good at
"Lumberjacking"
Fact: did you know the last time before 2002 Canada won the Gold medal in Hockey was in 1952. So, when all we associate Canada with is Hockey, this just adds to how egotistical and ignorant Americans are. Don't talk about Hockey with Canadians. Perhaps because there are more "hot climate" cities in the US that have a hockey team than Canada does, is reason enough to not mention that we are stealing the only thing they ever laid claim to. Tampa Bay, Atlanta, Phoenix, Nashville, Florida, Carolina, San Jose, Los Angeles, Dallas, Anaheim-(10) to Vancouver, Toronto, Ottowa, Calgary, Montreal, Edmonton(6). I'm sorry for wasting the last 13 seconds of your life with this.
The Canadian National Anthem Fucking Rules
Man, those Steambaoatians are priddy good and whatnot, eh?
So, thus far, here are my thoughts, suggestions, alterations, and complaints about the 2010 Olympics, eh? (I will try to throw in subtle Canadian inuendos in wherever possible)
The Opening Ceremonies were about as fresh as Alanis Morissette's latest album(2005). Soo-ree, lame. And the Costas monotone didn't exactly spice it up.
-What isn't a sport anymore? The games are so Americanized so that we can boost our medal count, people don't need talent, athleticism or training to compete anymore. Curling? Seriously. Why isn't darts an olympic sport, or is it? To me the Olympics remind me of when we used be frat kids and invent games while plunging through 6 kegs in one night. Unfortunately these ideas really have become olympic sports...i.e the biathalon(more on this in a minute), curling, archery, and depending on what frat you were in-luge.
The Biathalon: Skiing and guns. Wait, isn't skiing what you do with your 5 and 6 year olds and drink hot chocolate? Now we add a loaded weapon? Like what's next, swimming and stab a guy? I like it. We get OJ. Also, the biatholon should involve live animals, not stationary targets. "And the Gold Medal goes to Mikel Scovenlivenhosen of Finland, he bagged 3 possums, 1/2 a squirrel and a small moose, with a time of 1:23:09!"
Competitions that should be in the Olympics:
"Benders with Bode."
"Pronunciation of your competitors names"
Again, "Swimming and stab a guy"
"Facial expressions during the judges scoring"
Anything Ethopia is good at
"Lumberjacking"
Fact: did you know the last time before 2002 Canada won the Gold medal in Hockey was in 1952. So, when all we associate Canada with is Hockey, this just adds to how egotistical and ignorant Americans are. Don't talk about Hockey with Canadians. Perhaps because there are more "hot climate" cities in the US that have a hockey team than Canada does, is reason enough to not mention that we are stealing the only thing they ever laid claim to. Tampa Bay, Atlanta, Phoenix, Nashville, Florida, Carolina, San Jose, Los Angeles, Dallas, Anaheim-(10) to Vancouver, Toronto, Ottowa, Calgary, Montreal, Edmonton(6). I'm sorry for wasting the last 13 seconds of your life with this.
The Canadian National Anthem Fucking Rules
Man, those Steambaoatians are priddy good and whatnot, eh?
Friday, February 5, 2010
Brad Pitt...Gotta Love Him
The smartest adulterer ever? Brad Pitt. He upgraded from a workaholic actress who didn't want kids to the hottest/craziest/sexiest woman alive who doubles as a fetus machine … and with no real career repercussions! In fact, nothing Brad Pitt does ever seems to come back and haunt him. Not even his latest beard, when he was a few rubber bands and a ponytail away from looking like Captain Lou Albano. Everything bounces off that dude. Every guy hates him because they can't be him, but in the end, just think he's a pretty cool dude that is in good movies, is a decent to above average actor, not cocky, never talks to press really, just cool. I can't think of anybody else like this. Who can you think of? I am interested.
To all those interested, and to be continued: come up with a line up 1-9 of your batting order for the "Demi Moore All Stars" --Sexiest Superstar Women over 40. Or for the females: "George Clooney? All Stars" Obviously keep in mind who your leadoff hitter would be with a little extra emphasis on your 3-4-5 hitters. Please give a little justification for why they are where they are. It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great. Love to hear what you idiots have to say.
To all those interested, and to be continued: come up with a line up 1-9 of your batting order for the "Demi Moore All Stars" --Sexiest Superstar Women over 40. Or for the females: "George Clooney? All Stars" Obviously keep in mind who your leadoff hitter would be with a little extra emphasis on your 3-4-5 hitters. Please give a little justification for why they are where they are. It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great. Love to hear what you idiots have to say.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
If live gives you lemons...
If life gives you lemons, keep 'em, cuz hey, free lemons ya know.
I don't wanna grow up.
I don't wanna grow up.
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Peels of the Orange
This morning I peeled an orange. I peeled it in 72 pieces. I once peeled an orange in 1 smooth peel. The 72 peels represent today, fragmented, scattered, random, and I am ok with this. But the orange is juicy, and delightful. The inside is sweet and rewarding.
Tomorrow I will try to peel it in less pieces, making progress in a new day, not that there is any degree of complaint. Because today is beautiful, we are alive and influencing everybody, even when we don't know it. A former aquaintance told me that it makes him happy, uplifted and reassured when he sees me. He is recovering from a period of life in what his words described as "the gutter." He told me I gave him hope, for no real reason other than just seeing me. We talked, we will get coffee one day. I feel fulfilled, because that is what makes me happy in life, making other people happy. And I have achieved success.
My dog ate the peels. I don't think that is a bad thing. But it probably is.
Tomorrow I will try to peel it in less pieces, making progress in a new day, not that there is any degree of complaint. Because today is beautiful, we are alive and influencing everybody, even when we don't know it. A former aquaintance told me that it makes him happy, uplifted and reassured when he sees me. He is recovering from a period of life in what his words described as "the gutter." He told me I gave him hope, for no real reason other than just seeing me. We talked, we will get coffee one day. I feel fulfilled, because that is what makes me happy in life, making other people happy. And I have achieved success.
My dog ate the peels. I don't think that is a bad thing. But it probably is.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Comma Moderation
It was a pretty sober weekend.
Nuggets OT thriller, fists bumps with melo, pictures of melo's quadricep, tequila, 4 am lightrail rides, line dances, mimosas, 2 block cab rides, third row seats-basically on the floor, CP3 and his posse, Lil' Wayne and his posse, 47 phone photos, 2 nonblurry phone photos, God and Puppies, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT, YEAAAAAAAAAA, "who was that, just some random douche bag?"-"no it was me", 38 lb beer mugs, wind, almost closing the deal with a blonde, not closing the deal with the blonde and seeing her steal my coat, ex-girlfriend(s), WHAAAAT, YEEEAAAAAA, o wait that's lil John, not lil wayne, who the fuck is lil wayne, TULO, Rabbit Ears pass PMS shitstorm, $15 covers, knowing more people at the bar than all my friends that live in Denver, floral fedoras, sucking at rendezvousing with people and not seeing my best friend, yelling wooooooooooooooooo really loud to win an argument, sibling chug offs, sibling puke offs, fuddruckers, shot shot shot shot shot shot shots, shot shot shot shot shot shot shots, wait Nelly, you're still here?, Kiss Cam, Saints, Brett Favre Fulfilling his Prophecy, Kenyon Martin Killing People, brushing my teeth, 3.5 games back of the Lakers.......Can't wait for Next Weekend
Nuggets OT thriller, fists bumps with melo, pictures of melo's quadricep, tequila, 4 am lightrail rides, line dances, mimosas, 2 block cab rides, third row seats-basically on the floor, CP3 and his posse, Lil' Wayne and his posse, 47 phone photos, 2 nonblurry phone photos, God and Puppies, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT, YEAAAAAAAAAA, "who was that, just some random douche bag?"-"no it was me", 38 lb beer mugs, wind, almost closing the deal with a blonde, not closing the deal with the blonde and seeing her steal my coat, ex-girlfriend(s), WHAAAAT, YEEEAAAAAA, o wait that's lil John, not lil wayne, who the fuck is lil wayne, TULO, Rabbit Ears pass PMS shitstorm, $15 covers, knowing more people at the bar than all my friends that live in Denver, floral fedoras, sucking at rendezvousing with people and not seeing my best friend, yelling wooooooooooooooooo really loud to win an argument, sibling chug offs, sibling puke offs, fuddruckers, shot shot shot shot shot shot shots, shot shot shot shot shot shot shots, wait Nelly, you're still here?, Kiss Cam, Saints, Brett Favre Fulfilling his Prophecy, Kenyon Martin Killing People, brushing my teeth, 3.5 games back of the Lakers.......Can't wait for Next Weekend
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Dear Larry David:
I sent a script of my day's events to Larry David in hopes of use on "Curb Your Enthusiasm."
It is as follows:
9:20am--Waiting in the dentist office filling out 6 different forms, giving away details of criminal record, STD's, SS#, past residencies...Come on, it's a tooth.
9:41: Sit down in Dentist's chair followed by immediate x-ray(don't we usually brush first)
9:42: Dental Assistant mutters behind me: "shit" (this is not a joke). She reveals the x-ray and a complete separation of the tooth into 2 parts, cracked right in half below the gumline! I have no idea how it's still in there.
9:43: Dentist says, yeah let me make a couple phone calls and I'll let you know what we should do. "Do you have insurance? My guess is this will be around $5,000 when it's all said and done."
Dentist's Diagnosis: cracked tooth
Dentist's Short Term Prognosis: Remove Tooth and insert "flapper-fake tooth"
Dentist's Long Term Prognosis: 6 month healing process with flapper, then fuse together
My Diagnosis: Dick in Ear
My Short Term Prognosis: Remove Dick From Ear
My Long Term Prognosis: Reinsert Dick in Ear
9:44am: 4 minutes and $88 dollars later, leave dentists office
10:00am: Arrive at work, exit vehicle and see a "For Sale" sign above the door of our warehouse.
10:01am. Re-enter vehicle and head to the VFW.
It is as follows:
9:20am--Waiting in the dentist office filling out 6 different forms, giving away details of criminal record, STD's, SS#, past residencies...Come on, it's a tooth.
9:41: Sit down in Dentist's chair followed by immediate x-ray(don't we usually brush first)
9:42: Dental Assistant mutters behind me: "shit" (this is not a joke). She reveals the x-ray and a complete separation of the tooth into 2 parts, cracked right in half below the gumline! I have no idea how it's still in there.
9:43: Dentist says, yeah let me make a couple phone calls and I'll let you know what we should do. "Do you have insurance? My guess is this will be around $5,000 when it's all said and done."
Dentist's Diagnosis: cracked tooth
Dentist's Short Term Prognosis: Remove Tooth and insert "flapper-fake tooth"
Dentist's Long Term Prognosis: 6 month healing process with flapper, then fuse together
My Diagnosis: Dick in Ear
My Short Term Prognosis: Remove Dick From Ear
My Long Term Prognosis: Reinsert Dick in Ear
9:44am: 4 minutes and $88 dollars later, leave dentists office
10:00am: Arrive at work, exit vehicle and see a "For Sale" sign above the door of our warehouse.
10:01am. Re-enter vehicle and head to the VFW.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Oasis
The best station on my Pandora is Oasis. It is a delight, brings a well rounded selection. I am sharing this with the three faithful followers I have. Thank you.
Topic of The Day, to be Read Tomorrow and Yesterday: Bread
Can you think of any other food that changes names when you heat it up? Spaghetti is still Spaghetti when you boil it. Eggs are hard boiled eggs when you boil it, or sunny side up when you add heat. Cooking is defined as the manipulation of heat. So, when someone asks you to prepare your toughest, most creative dish, make toast, because I can't really think of anything besides toast that becomes entirely something else when you add heat to it-just by plopping bread in some slits and dropping the lever. "You want elk tenderloin or some Georgia Scallops-boring, watch this: It is MAGIC-bread becomes something totally different-toast!"
Toast is sliced bread which has been browned by exposure to dry heat. Toasting warms the bread, making it more pleasant to eat for some, allowing for butter to melt when placed on the surface, and makes it crisp such that it holds toppings more securely. Toasting is also a common method of making stale bread palatable. Toast is often served with butter, cheese, marmalade, or any number of other toppings, thereby making an open-faced sandwich.
Directions for how to make toast:
The usual method of browning bread is by the use of a toaster, a small appliance made for that purpose, first used in the late nineteenth or early twentieth century. For a modern toaster, sliced bread is placed into the narrow slots on the top of the device and the desired toast setting is selected. Then, the lever on the side of the toaster is pushed down, simultaneously turning on the heating elements.
That is why whoever invented the toaster was beyond Einsteinian genius. When you put a turkey in the oven it's oven baked turkey. We don't have toaster toasted bread. It's just toast. You see, he was not only just inventing a common household appliance, he was shifting our generational thinking about food, and for that matter, economics, and philosophy. The toaster is the only appliance, tool, model, or concrete thing for lack of a better word, that performs magic. It ranks outside the realm of appliances and food, and becomes something alongside technology, computers, digital transfers as the only thing that transforms magic. In fact, I would rank it higher than such things as on-line banking, email, and other nontangible beings in terms of changing forms of one thing to something completely different.
What is the most common wedding present: toaster.
What is the most common household appliance: toaster.
Most underrated appliance: toaster.
Most energy efficient appliance: garbage disposal?
Listen, let's not set our underpants on fire over this, becuause most of it doesn't even make sense after reading it, but hopefully you get the gist of what I am getting at with the whole toaster metaphor for intangible transormations, i.e: education into wisdom, investments into capitol, um that's all I got. So, the purpose here was to begin our battleblogs. Topic: Bread, and see what you come up with. My friend Kyle V came up with the idea, and I encourage you to come up with your reply on the topic of "Bread."
I am opening a bakery. name: Well Bread
(don't f'ing steal it. I will kick you in the kidney.)
battleblogs: wolfie, where you at?
--Kyle P.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Things I noticed this week and i bet you did too
Just when you thought at&t couldn't get crushed by verizon anymore, they figure why let verizon crush us, let's commit commercial suicide and set our underpants on fire. They get a washed up actor who has to make a buck, and what do you get: a jarringly heavy Luke Wilson doing AT&T ads and looking like he finally gave up on "Old School 2."
Best Idea for a Theme Party: Jersey Shore meets Wolfman-pants optional
My complete and total lack of excitement regarding every one of NBC's Winter Olympics ads (Conan and Leno should compete against each other in a biathlon to boost ratings)
This would be a funny top-10 list: "Top 10 Most Likely Counter-Programming Choices Geared Toward Women On a Sunday When Everyone Else is Watching an NFL Playoff Game
Damn you Harrison Ford, Damn you. Did you know that "The Fugitive" got 4 stars? Saw it on AMC-four big ones...and now this?:
Commercials for the Harrison Ford/Brendan Fraser movie, "Extraordinary Measures." Every 3 minutes or so, commercials would run the trailer, and at some point, Fraser and Ford would have this exchange:
Fraser: "We can do this if we push ourselves, if we work around the clock"
Ford: "I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!!!!"
Best line ever. idiot.
Hey Phone, quit telling people to "duck off"
Weekend, Go Steelers! o wait. Go Broncos! o, right. I'll be rooting for the punters and kickers to blow the entire season with one kick and inevitably get their coaches fired-or see their leg completely hyperextend itself and a kneecap pop out.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Dear Identity: where did you go?
This morning when i had to verify some password by doing one of those word verifications where you have to type the exact funky letters in the gray box thing, the letters were n e l l y. Dear Privacy: where did you go?
Monday, January 4, 2010
It's Ironic...Don't ya think?
There's nothing funny about guns. When Washington Wizards teammates Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton pulled guns on each other over a poker game, even though in a bit of a joke, there's nothing funny about it...Except that the Washington Wizards had changed their team name several years back from, yep you guessed it...The Washington Bullets, because they didn't like the connotation. Well done sirs, well done.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
My Friend Sam
We used to share a room. Sometimes we would read to each other to go to sleep. I like Sam.
Comfortable this is Not.
New Years: Like a bunched up long sleeve inside your sweatshirt. Uncomfortable
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
newyearchristmakissmyassmakarmakiller
Why must we go through New Year's Eve and New Year's Day? Exactly to the extent I love Christmas, I dislike the whole New Year's business. It comes too close to Christmas -- holidays should not be stacked back-to-back, rather, they should be spaced out through the year. After eating and spending to excess for Christmas, you are supposed to indulge and spend again just a week later. New Year's Eve and New Year's Day serve little function other than insuring January Blahs.
Ideally, a holiday should be transferred to some dull month -- say, March. New Year's sort of must come on Jan. 1. Solution: move Christmas. No one has the slightest idea what day Jesus was born. The reason for the choice of Dec. 25 has been lost to antiquity. Probably it had something to do with the early church choosing a date to coincide with existing Roman winter festivals. Eastern Christianity uses Jan. 7 as Christmas, showing the arbitrary nature of the date. Move Christmas to March! Or at least downplay New Year's, our dumbest holiday.
New Year's is: Champagne, lookback on the year that was(when we really mean wasn't), awkward glancing around at 11:58 for someone to kiss, watching the one you really want kissing someone else, yelling at taxi drivers, cold, the most depressing day ever the next day-now what, bad music, indigestion, unfulfilled goals.
If anybody wants to make out, I'll be in bed at 9, looking up random things on wikipedia.
Ideally, a holiday should be transferred to some dull month -- say, March. New Year's sort of must come on Jan. 1. Solution: move Christmas. No one has the slightest idea what day Jesus was born. The reason for the choice of Dec. 25 has been lost to antiquity. Probably it had something to do with the early church choosing a date to coincide with existing Roman winter festivals. Eastern Christianity uses Jan. 7 as Christmas, showing the arbitrary nature of the date. Move Christmas to March! Or at least downplay New Year's, our dumbest holiday.
New Year's is: Champagne, lookback on the year that was(when we really mean wasn't), awkward glancing around at 11:58 for someone to kiss, watching the one you really want kissing someone else, yelling at taxi drivers, cold, the most depressing day ever the next day-now what, bad music, indigestion, unfulfilled goals.
If anybody wants to make out, I'll be in bed at 9, looking up random things on wikipedia.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Vote on Spiffy Dog's New Styles for 2010
Leave Your Comments, vote for 8, or rank them all. Do whatever, send me an email: kyle@spiffydog.com (click on image to enlarge). We will be choosing 8 new Designs, so your vote counts. We will send you a free keychain just for voting.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Top 10 Things I Hope Go Out of Style in 2010
It’s Tuesday, 9:39 AM, so the workday is “done.” But, rather than waste the next 10 minutes Christmas Shopping online(because I do that), facebook creeping, shuffling papers, and …I blacked out, I’ve decided to write my Top 10 Things I Hope Go Out of Style in 2010.
I wish I were more creative in the morning, but it's a start.
10. Vampires
9. the phrase “that’s what she said”
8. quoting lines from The Big Lebowski like its your favorite movie. Fuck off, you’ve seen it once and you don’t really understand the sheer genius of it.
7. “epic”, lol and :)
10. Vampires
9. the phrase “that’s what she said”
8. quoting lines from The Big Lebowski like its your favorite movie. Fuck off, you’ve seen it once and you don’t really understand the sheer genius of it.
7. “epic”, lol and :)
6. When people say "I've got 3 words for you..." and then say something like "Anger Manage-ment." Not clever at all anymore at all. I think you should say, " I've got 2 words for you, 3 syllables, a noun followed by an adverb forming a prepositional phrase." Or something.
5. People saying that the only reason Canada still exists is Hockey. That’s just dumb. Canada Rules.
4. WWF, MMA, PEDs,
5. People saying that the only reason Canada still exists is Hockey. That’s just dumb. Canada Rules.
4. WWF, MMA, PEDs,
3. third movies(re-sequels)-it’s so 1987, stop already. Unless we’re talkin Toy Story. (I could go on about this forever but will spare the time.)
2. Changing your name (see Ochocinco, Chad)
1. Reality TV…Actually let’s be honest, I’d love to see reality TV go just over the top. “Let’s have the audience weigh in on how the judges judged the judging of the competition.” And here’s one I’d really love to see: If Lebron were a marketing genius, which I believe he can be, he would market his free agency story of 2010 with a reality TV show. Call it “2010: LeBron’s Choice” or “LeBachelor” where he starts with 32 GM’s one from every team and wittles it down to 16, 8, then 4, 2 and finally 1, in which the GMs are put through rigorous mental and physical tests every week and then half are voted off at the end of the show. I like it, I bet he ends up in Canada.
1. Reality TV…Actually let’s be honest, I’d love to see reality TV go just over the top. “Let’s have the audience weigh in on how the judges judged the judging of the competition.” And here’s one I’d really love to see: If Lebron were a marketing genius, which I believe he can be, he would market his free agency story of 2010 with a reality TV show. Call it “2010: LeBron’s Choice” or “LeBachelor” where he starts with 32 GM’s one from every team and wittles it down to 16, 8, then 4, 2 and finally 1, in which the GMs are put through rigorous mental and physical tests every week and then half are voted off at the end of the show. I like it, I bet he ends up in Canada.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Top 10 Things I Hope Come Back in Style in 2010
How bout your standard Verdana Font...
Let's Begin
10. Jim Carrey
9. Ass Slaps
8. Credit Cards
7. White Collar Crime
6. Big Phones
5. Scooters-yea for the whole green thing, not for style, right.
4. Julia Roberts
3. Girlfriends-like who does that anymore?
2. Hot Pockets
1. The Pencil
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